Why Develop Local Talent When You Can Hire From The Amazon

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SATIRE | Ah, the beautiful game! Where dreams are made, national pride is bought, and football agents laugh their way to the bank while selling you a “Brazilian” who could have played in the Siberian Beer League.
Move over, “Drive for show, putt for dough”, often overheard at the tee boxes of local golf clubs.
Malaysia’s football officials have gifted us a fresher, more lucrative mantra: “Make a dash, collect the cash.” For the locals, the slogan is: “Find a relative and we will give.”
The rules are simple: First, you have to find a distant relative in some God-forsaken place like Burkina Faso or Timbuktu, or even in the Andean mountains.
But how do I find them? There are many such tracers - self-styled football agents who can scour the globe, even to the remotest of settlements in the Amazon, to find what you are looking for - for a fee.
Once the relative is found, the agent would do the needful - package the product, contact the buyer, who, without “testing” the product, signs on the dotted line for a six-figure sum.
Football skills required, but not much
However, the early bird catches the worm, as dozens of football agents have already descended on our shores, some of them selling journeymen and third-rate players, some of whom have even been given citizenship!
But for a fee, the agent will be willing to add your friend or relative to their list.
He can drop whatever they are doing elsewhere and head “home” for a few weeks and earn big bucks, just like the mercenaries who go to war for foreign governments for a price.
However, there is a catch. They must have played football, not necessarily for their national team, but even an appearance in the fourth or fifth divisions in their local league will suffice.
Ever played in the 5th division of the Andorran league, or have you once kicked a ball in a Siberian potato field, or fog a mirror? It would entitle you to play for the country as a “heritage player”.
However, as a Malaysian, you may have a head start in a not-so-perilous journey to trace an unmarked grave which your relative can later claim to be that of his ancestor.
A visit to the cemeteries, especially in Malacca, is a must because it was first a Hindu Kingdom under Parameswara, only to be invaded by the Portuguese, then ruled by the Dutch, and later by the British. There’s plenty of heritage found there!
It will be easier to claim Portuguese ancestry, especially those from South America, because you can argue that one of the unmarked graves is that of a great, great, great, grand-uncle who had never existed in his lifetime.
But is this proof of ancestry? Aren’t there documents or others that can be verified?
Leave it to the agents and government departments, who would do anything under instructions for money.
There are other perks, too. Even a discount can be obtained when buying houses because the Portuguese, like the Malays and Orang Asli, are classified as “bumiputera” and your “connection” could be used for that discount, especially when buying million-ringgit property.
Malaysia Boleh indeed
Their performance is immaterial. If the players shine, the whole country would go gaga as if the World Cup is coming home. If they fail, they blame it on acclimatisation, the heat, and other expected reasons.
One swallow does not make a summer, but after one game, the platitudes are already flowing as if the glory days of the past have returned. Even the prime minister joined in the accolades.
They won in a regional tournament among minnows, but what happens when they meet the big boys?
Not to worry. The agents are already on it. They are looking for more Argentinians, Brazilians, and Canadians to add to the list so that a complete “heritage” team represents the country.
Isn’t it another feather in the cap for Malaysia Boleh?
What about the Ketuanan types who often wrongly accuse non-Malays of usurping their rights and entitlements? The voices of two doctors - one in the north and the other in the south - have fallen silent.
Where is the “maruah Melayu” (Malay dignity), which has been their stock slogan when even their imagined threats to “bangsa dan agama” (race and religion) turn out to be non-existent?
When nine out of 11 players are foreigners and calling themselves Harimau Malaya, why isn’t there a whimper of a gripe?
With an almost-Latino team, the defenders of race and religion and the purveyors of dignity have not been heard yet.
Previously, instant citizenship was granted to mediocre handymen trotting to our shores to ply their trade on our football pitches; the whole dimension has changed.
For football administrators, heritage players are the next best thing after sliced bread. It is a manna from heaven - a tagline of home for a team hovering at the wrong end of the world rankings.
Why not hire foreign graft-busters?
Winning has brought a new meaning. So has the word “heritage”. But what about winning in other areas? Fighting corruption, for example.
Would the government hire corruption buster Deltan Dallagnol from Brazil so that he can serve the nation?
He headed the country’s biggest-ever corruption probe - “Operation Car Wash” - for six years, putting some of Brazil’s biggest names in politics and business behind bars, including former President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva.
Dallagonal stepped down in 2020 at the age of 40 to look after his ailing daughter, but surely, he can be persuaded.
The tell-all confessions by the perpetrators, made in exchange for lighter sentences, also sent tremors through Latin America, as it emerged that a laundry list of presidents and other influential politicians had accepted huge bribes from one of the leading players in the scheme, the construction company Odebrecht, in exchange for lucrative public contracts.
Wouldn’t he be a suitable replacement for the beleaguered incumbent? What about it, Mr Prime Minister? If we can accept Division Four players as “Malaysians”, what about a man with proven credentials? - Mkini
R NADESWARAN says no actual Siberians, Portuguese ghosts, or Brazilian anti-corruption crusaders were harmed in writing this commentary. But if you find one, call a football agent -  Pronto! Comments: [email protected]
The views expressed here are those of the author/contributor and do not necessarily represent the views of MMKtT.

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