Satire Don T Teach Grandma How To Suck Eggs

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SATIRE | The family gathered in front of the fireplace in their holiday hideaway nestled among the hills. Under normal circumstances, the retreat has been hardly used. The French-trained cook-cum-caretaker had been having a long break, during the pre-Covid-19 times, it was a nice hideaway for secret trysts or a dirty weekend for the younger members of the clan.
The matriarch of the family had insisted on a meeting to decide the future of the youngest grandson. She had read about him being moved to a foreign land to start his formal education.
This is how the discourse went:
Dad: All of you know, we have to prepare Adik for school. I am not prepared to send him to a tadika or a tahfiz school before going to sekolah kebangsaan. He deserves much more.
Grandma: Away from home at such an age? Your grandpa will be turning in his grave. Even when we sent you to boarding school, you were already 13 and he sent you grudgingly because his clique’s children were also going there. Sending him at the age of five is ridiculous as if he is an outcast and you want to buang negeri (exile) him.
Dad: Adik is a special child. I don’t want him to mix and grow up with the local riff-raff who just read religious books and converse in the native language. He should be able to speak proper English and learn perhaps French or German. He will learn to appreciate the arts, the culture or may even go into Shakespeare. He should play a real men’s game – rugby or cricket like most English children do.
Grandma: No, you can’t send him away alone. Why can’t you send him to the kindergarten for orang putih kids near our house? He will also mix with the right kind of children which befits your status.
Dad: It is not just orang putih but the right kind of orang putih – the future movers and shakers. You don’t have to look far. Look at Jho Low. After kindie, he went to Wharton College where he befriended the children of prime ministers and presidents. He became a billionaire when he was just 25.
Grandma: I don’t want my cucu to end up like him – a wanted man. Let’s educate him in this country, our Tanah Air. (son interrupts)
Son#1: But I wish I was like him. He has led a colourful life – actresses, models, private jets, yacht and friends of so many leaders and their children. He could do anything. I wish I was Mr Fixit. Don’t you see Adik in that role?
Dad: Enough. I have already made up my mind. Son, did you do what was asked of you?
Son#1: I did a Google search and identified a few.
Dad: I hope it is not in some God-forsaken countryside.
Son#1: I made the necessary connections. I found this Montessori in the Bayswater area in the heart of London. The principal gave me a virtual tour of their facilities and I was impressed. Don’t send him to Kingston where you sent me as it is far away from the action.
Dad: Where’s this place?
Son#1: It is near our Cumberland Avenue house. Just walking distance. The nanny can walk him to and from classes. Also, Oxford Street is nearby for his mum to do her shopping if she ever visits him. After all, Milan is just a flight away.
Dad: Anything else?
Son#2: There are four casinos and many other quaint massage joints nearby. I know some of your party member friends love a flutter or perhaps a rub-down with the extras. If they turn up to make their collections, they can be done through the chips. And if you are bored with their company discussing takeovers and mergers, you can send them there for a few hours.
Son#1: Paddington and Kings Cross Stations are nearby. Those who like football can take the train to Manchester or Cardiff and use our season tickets. I hope they are okay with the Northern stands.
Son#2: Instead of bothering us all the time, there are three Malaysian-owned hotels and many Malaysian restaurants nearby.
Dad: Have you done the costing and made other inquiries?
Son #1: The cost is about the same in London, and may be a bit cheaper in the outskirts. It’s about £3,000 (RM15,000) per term which lasts 10-12 weeks. Three terms per year and it will cost less than £50k a year. An additional £100 for extra-curricular activities that are not provided by the council such as yoga.
Son#2: During the term break, you can take Adek across to Europe and perhaps drop in at his mum’s place in Milan while you go exploring the city. He could also cross over to the French Alps or Switzerland for skiing lessons.
Dad: I am sold. I will make arrangements for the travel papers. I will go with him but you guys stay put here and look after grandma.
Grandma: Son, I know your plans. You sent these boys’ mother to the kampung and Adek to Milan. Now, under the pretext of getting someone to look after Adik, you are going to get another in London. Right?
Dad couldn’t hide the smirk on his face. The old lady read him like a book but who cares? He chooses to speak and act as he deems fit. Will anyone protest or dare speak about it openly?
From the kitchen, the Punjabi cook shouted: “Chief, dinner will be served in five minutes. Today’s menu is Escargot in garlic butter, Boeuf Bourguignon…” - Mkini

R NADESWARAN says this is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons is entirely coincidental. But the writer hopes all children will get similar opportunities and croissants like the kids at the Permata schools. Comments: [email protected]
The views expressed here are those of the author/contributor and do not necessarily represent the views of MMKtT.

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