Satire Eh Bargher Don T Simply Complain Ah

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Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons is entirely coincidental.

SATIRE | “Yahoo! All will be OK thanks to the great Covid National Recovery Plan!” declared Datuk Semua Settle at a media conference.

“Whose idea is this?” asked a reporter.
“All credit goes to our Dear Leader, the glorious Moodin. Oh wait, he just changed his name, actually, now we must call him Mydin,” said SS.
“Like the hypermarket?” quipped someone.
“Yeah la, can buy everything there. MP also got. ‘Metal Plate’ la, you thinking what?”
Another journalist asked, “But shops can only open in October. No extra economic aid given. Won’t many of our small business koyak by then?”
“So what? Then the big business can take over all these small business la. We must always think big, because it’s the big boys that donate to our Yayasan Golf charity fund,” smiled SS.
A journalist from China Press put up her hand and asked, “Some people say Malaysia needs a scientific data-driven approach to fight Covid. We must do more testing, contact tracing and targeted MCOs like Korea, not just one blanket lockdown. Any comment?”
“Eh, you from where? K-Pop ah? China ah? No wonder you ask that kind of question. Eh, jangan probok-probok sini (don’t provoke here),” snarled SS, while pointing his hand, which had three gold rings with huge gemstones, at the reporter.
“No, no, we are Malaysian newspaper. Our office in Bangsar, KL, next to Honesty News,” replied the visibly shaken lady.
“OK la, give chance answer you. Actually, we are 100 percent data-driven. When the cases go up a lot, we reduce testing. Then the cases automatic go down, right? So the garmen leaders will look good. Scientific la tuu...” said the grinning SS.
“Datuk, why do shops in Pahang have to close when most of the cases are in Selangor?” asked another writer.
SS replied, “Because last time we do PKP, PKPB, PKPP, PKPD, people make fun of us, TikTok disco videos and all that.... so we merajuk la. Now, we don’t care got many or few cases, we just hantam ‘One Lockdown to Rule Them All’. Kautim, no more jokes.”
“Two-thirds of cases are from factories but they all can still operate. But the small shops must close. Our Opposition Leader said this is not fair,” remarked another reporter.
"Did Anwar say that?" asked SS.
"No, Najib. He’s our new Opposition Leader mah," said the reporter.
“Ah, this kind of question must be from MalaysiaKuno. Oreidi kena wallop with big fine for cyber littering but still try to be funny. I won’t answer. Next question!” barked SS.
‘Holding on to power is our priority’
“Datuk Semua Settle, why all the vaccine must go through Syarikat PharmaAmno or federal garmen? Slow la like that. Why not allow state garmen or private companies to buy their own vaccine from overseas?” asked a TV journalist.
SS looked angry and almost shouted, “Eh, you all always complain this and that, stupid ah?! If give vaccine so fast, all got lembu herd immunity oreidi, how to maintain the Daroorat? Which is more important?”
“Datuk, why the garmen now only want to announce Recovery Plan? Oreidi 16 months MCO leh,” said someone from Naan Yum Press.
“That blardy old man la - he go and tell Ah Kong want to do Mageran. So, we have to simply rush out the plan to prevent it,” explained SS.
“John from SeeNN America here. Excuse me, what is Mageran?”
“MA.G.E.R.A.N - MAha Grab of Emergency Rule Above Nation la. Eh, you helicopter journalist just simply parachute down here, never do research one ah?”
“Datuk, can we double confirm with you that Parliament will reopen when cases drop below 2,000 a day, probably by October?” asked someone from The Galaxy.
“See how la... maybe then we go and test more factory foreign workers inside the sardine-can hostels, sure damn lot of cases there one,” answered SS, with a big smile.
“But now Ah Kong oreidi call for Parliament to meet up again. How?” questioned a web reporter.
“Hmmm.... that one a bit complicated. OK, he said ‘as soon as possible’ right? But it’s still not ‘possible’ because Parliament is under the same category as pubs, karaoke, beauty salons and massage centres. Still too dangerous to open,” said SS.
“Zoom meeting la,” said someone from an IT magazine.
SS sighed, “Eh, you never see the garmen office ah? Always sistem down one.”
“There are so many empty buildings now. Why don’t the garmen go and rent them and provide more hostels for these workers? Space them out more, less infections ya? Singapore is doing this,” said a reporter from The Rocket magazine.
SS replied, “Firstly, we refuse to learn from other countries, especially Singapore. We have our pride OK!”

“Secondly, eh hello, I am from Parti Berpecah. Day and night we are thinking how to destroy Amno and then run off with their holy wife PUS. Holding on to power is our priority. Baargher, you think we all so free to think of solutions for Covid ah?”


ANDREW SIA is a veteran journalist who likes teh tarik khau kurang manis. You are welcome to give him ideas to brew at [email protected].

The views expressed here are those of the author/contributor and do not necessarily represent the views of MMKtT.

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