Exam Season Incoming Again

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Feels like just yesterday the kids had their exam sekolah agama, and then last week hari terbuka sekolah. The results weren't amazing (it's their first exam this year), but they were okay. And the teachers didn't have any complaints, which is a win in my book. Now, this week, 3 of my boys—Iman, Fateh, and Yusuf—have their second round of exams. And to top it off, Adam’s big SDEA trial exam starts next week. 

Honestly, all these back-to-back exams have me a little on edge. The way my kids study is nothing like how I used to. Back in my day, I was the quiet one, the bookworm who just hit the books most of the time. My kids? The house is a constant playground. It’s never quiet unless something "fishy" happen #iykwim. Trying to get them to focus is a whole new level of challenge. With 4 of them, I'm literally repeating myself 4 times a day for "each session", and I feel like I'm running out of words. My voice is getting tired. I'm an introvert; I don't naturally talk a lot. Too much talking, even with my own kids, just drains my energy

But then I think, kalau bukan I yang "bebel", who will teach them? So, I've had to find a middle ground. On days I have the energy, I'll talk to them. On days I don't, I let it slide or just push it off. I've had to accept that I can't be a helicopter mom. Our world is so different from the one we grew up in. It's a tough pill to swallow, but it's the truth. Even most of the time, me, myself questioning my own way of parenting

Of course every mom always worry bout their kids, and I'm no different. I care deeply. But being the sole provider means I'm working from 8 to 5, and by the time I get home, I'm just wiped out. I can't be there 24/7, and that's a huge source of guilt for me. Plus, my health hasn't been great lately, probably from burnout or stress which make me overwhelm all the time or maybe I'm just getting older

I feel so guilty that I can't sit down and teach each one of them individually, or check their homework every single day. I can’t give them constant, undivided attention. The best I can do is make sure they have everything they need—food, clothes, books—and constantly remind them to be independent, to look out for each other, to study, and to pray

Sometimes I feel useless, like I should just give up. I often feel numb and empty. There are moments when I think I'm a terrible mom, that I'm a total mess. But then I realize that being a parent isn't just about teaching them; it's also about them teaching me. They teach me patience, they teach me to never give up, they teach me to keep pushing forward

I'm learning as I go. I'm a work in progress, and I'm so grateful for my boys. Every day, I pray for their safety and for all the good things in the world to come their way. You really don’t understand what it means to "lautan api sanggup kurenang" until you have kids. Right

P/S: It's about providing a safe and stable environment, and showing up every day, even when you're exhausted. Yes?

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