Sunday Jokes 114

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An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing. Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs. When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, she goes back to her book.
Her husband, puzzled, asks, "What was that for?"
She replied, "That was for 50 years of bad sex."
They both go back to their books, and a few minutes later, the husband looks at his wife and whacks her across the head, he goes back to reading his book.
The wife, also puzzled asks him, "What was that for?"

Not looking up from his book the husband answers, "That is for knowing the difference!"


Are you an elevator? 

Because I want to go up and down on you!!!


When my mother came to visit, she noticed I hadn't once lit up a cigarette. "Are you trying to kick the habit?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "I have a cold and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well."

"You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more often!"


Are you a campfire? 

Because you’re hot and I want some more!


A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. So, he asked her what should he do? 

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy and a week later, the woman came to dinner. 

His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. 

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet!!!"


Do you have a switch?

Because I want to turn you on!!!


Why does Santa have a big sack? 

He only comes once a year.




A Canadian was in France and from of his wallet he removed a stick of gum he had from the airport in Canada and started to chew it. 

He walked into a French coffee shop and sat himself beside an English speaking French man. 

French man: In Canada, what do you do with your used tyres?

Canadian: We send them to France to get turned into paper plates. 

French man: What do you do with your used plastic bags?

Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) We send them to France to get turned into picket fences. Hey, what do you do with your used crazy glue? 

French man: We send it to Canada to get turned into bubble gum!!!
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