Saturday Jokes 158

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Have you heard about the guys who drove their pickup trucks into a lumberyard? One of them walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
"You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" the clerk said.
"Let me go check," replied the man, and he went back to the truck.
"Yeah, I meant two-by-fours," he said, returning a few moments later.
"Alright. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute to think and then finally said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're building a house!"



My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list...
Now I can't read anything!



A Polish immigrant went to the Road Transport Department to apply for a driver's licence. 
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 
'C Z W A X N O S T A S K I.' 
"Can you read this?" the optician asked. 
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know this guy!"


He actually said this to me; he's like, hey man, you got to be careful. There's a lot of women that have an Asian fetish. Well, what do you mean? The women would have sex with you just cause you're Asian. Aren't you offended? Uh, I'll be offended after my orgasm!



A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. 
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee. "Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."
So, she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament, and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS!"


What do you call a wedding usher in Dublin, Ireland?
An Irish babysitter!



A man has been in the hospital for a month. One day, he's so sick and tired of being in the hospital that he sneaks out and went down to the nearest pub. He orders a beer and swallows the lot in ten seconds' flat. He then orders a second beer and does the same. Then a third and a fourth. 
As he orders the fifth beer, he says to the barman, "I shouldn't be drinking this with what I've got."
The barman gasps in alarm, "What have you got?" To which the hospital patient replies, "I've got no money!



A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun.
He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you," he says.
"I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves.
Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack."
The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to the confessional every day at 3 pm in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leave happy knowing he's going to get some.
The next day at 3 pm the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you."
She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However, because of my strong commitment to God, I will only take it up the ass."
The guy figures out that it wasn't a problem and proceed to have the best sex ever. After it is over, he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise, I'm the guy on the bus"
With that, the nun turns around and says "Surprise, I'm the bus driver!"
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