Thursday Jokes 266

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Keningau, Sabah, Malaysia
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner.
A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, “let’s get off the corner, people.”
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, “let’s get off that corner…NOW!” Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “well, how did I do?”
“Pretty good,” chuckled the veteran policemen, “especially since this is a bus stop!”
 
I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine under the chemistree last night
They didn’t sneak me down the periodic chart to take a peek
At all the atoms reacting in their beakers; it was neat.
And I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine under the chemistree so bright
Oh, what a reaction there would have been if the principal had walked in
With teacher kissing Santa Chlorine last night.
 
At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words ‘sex’ and ‘love.’
The woman wrote: “When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like Ahmad and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the active physical sex with one another.”
And Ahmad wrote: “I love sex.”
 
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.
So, I pushed her over.
 
Little Adam comes home from his first day in school.
His mother asks: “What did you learn at school today, Little Adam”.
Little Adam replies: “Not enough, mum. I have to go back tomorrow”.
 
A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her
“Would you have sex with me for 10 million ringgit?”
Without skipping a beat, she screams “Yes!”
The man then asks “What about for RM100?”
She looks at him sideways and says
“What do you think I am, a whore?”
The man says “We’ve already established that you are, now we’re just negotiating.”
 
A small-town prosecuting barrister called his first witness to the stand in a trial – an attractive middle-aged lady. He approached her and asked, “Ms. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “I do know you, Mr. Leigh. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defence attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Knowles since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both barristers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”
 
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The sign said, “WHERE AM I?” in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.’
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, and determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine our position.
The pilot responded, “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.
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