The Griefing Is Forever

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Waking up in the early morning is always a struggle nowadays. We wake up every morning to perform our Subuh prayer on our own, but the sound of our dad's voice every morning adds a joy to performing our prayer together. I miss that. He always makes jokes to lift our mood. You know, he is surrounded by all the women in the house who are always not in a good mood no matter what time of day it is. That gave us a wide smile. It does make me laugh to remember that.
The past month has really been a struggle. It's like you want to be mad. You want to be angry? But you have no idea why. It's just that feeling you want to lash out. I bawled my eyes out on my sajadah. Sobbing hard. I know. I realise I should not be that way. But I need to let it out. Just like someone who slide into my DM and told me to keep on merintih on sajadah. I did. Don't make your own assumptions. I cry, but not too hard. I need to control myself. At that time. I was at my lowest point in my life. I eat less. I'm losing weight. I smile, but I don't really smile. I laugh, but I don't really laugh. It hit us hard. Ramadan and Raya feel entirely different. Our birthday feels different. It's hard. I push everything away. The numbness seeps into me. I miss my dad every single time. We miss him every day.
One thing is for sure, I never regret quitting my job to take care of my dad. We got to take care of him until his last breath.
Am I okay now? Are we over grieving? No, our grief for our father will last forever. But me and my family are in a better position. We are able to focus on our daily lives better. I mean, here I am typing this out. He is always in our hearts.
love always.
Your cute annoying daughter,
Fatina xx

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