The Fine Line Between Tired And Unhappy

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It's been a while since I last put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard!). Lately, I've just been in this routine, you know? Wake up around 6 am (sometimes, okay, later than that!), get ready for work and send the kids off. Then it's the same thing in reverse, back home around 6:30 pm. Rinse and repeat for the weekdays. Weekends? Honestly, after ferrying the boys to their kelas mengaji, archery, tuition, football, those random community college courses – anything to keep them busy! – all I want to do is become one with my bed.

Cooking? Nope, not much of that happening. Writing? Nada. It's not like I feel completely stuck, but I stumbled upon this article, "8 small signs of a woman who is deeply unhappy with her life," and it made me wonder... am I actually unhappy?
She’s always tired. Tell me about it! Though, is it just the age creeping in? She’s lost interest in what she used to love. Nowadays, my greatest love affair is with my bed and those glorious nap times. She’s overly critical of herself. Seriously! If anything goes wrong, my brain automatically points the finger at yours truly. Even if it's someone else's doing. Why even bother getting caught up in all that drama, right? She’s becoming increasingly isolated. Well, you know I'm an introvert by nature. Solitude is kind of my jam. She’s no longer taking care of herself. Guilty as charged. No arguments here. She’s constantly anxious. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, right? Que sera, sera. She’s overly sensitive to criticism. Surprisingly, I'm pretty chill about criticism these days. Doesn't really faze me. She’s lost her sense of purpose. Hmm, not really. So, yeah, I'm ticking a lot of those boxes. Maybe I've just lost my "spark" or that excitement for what's next? There's such a thin line between just feeling a bit blah and being genuinely unhappy, you know?
"Mengempor" – feeling a bit aimless – or maybe a loss of purpose feels closer to what's going on. I even asked my ex-bosses about it. It's not that I don't know what I should be doing, but sometimes a little bit of "you're on the right track" can really help steer the ship, right? One of them basically said that while work is important for supporting the family, my main gig right now is raising my boys and supporting their growth. Family first, got it!
But hey, there could be other reasons for feeling this way too, so I shouldn't jump to conclusions.
When I was 17, my life plan was so crystal clear: study, graduate, get married, be the ultimate mom/domestic goddess (aiming for at least my parents' level, preferably better!), be a reliable employee, retire by 40 (ha! looks like that ship has sailed!), and live a simple, sustainable life far away from the rat race. You know, the whole shebang.
And honestly, when my boys were little (0-5 years old), and I was in my 20s with a good, stable job, I was that woman. Cooking up a storm (five meals a day!), being the best version of myself, home life and work totally in sync. I felt like I had it all figured out. Happily ever after, right?
Then, in my late 20s, BAM! Life happened. Single mom, four little ones, nowhere to go. But thank goodness, it turned out to be the best decision I ever made.
Since then, life's been... good, I guess? Better, for sure. Career changes, a few heartbreaks along the way. But hey, who knows what the future holds, right?
Don't wait for anyone again, Suzlin. Don't make mistakes.

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