Sunday Jokes 199

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Melaka River Cruise, Melaka, Malaysia.
Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.
The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

"Oye, I am only following the instructions here! It says here 'Answer the following questions in brief!"

 

Why did an old man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well!

 

One Saturday morning, I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing at 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that shitty weather?"   

 

"Believe it or not, but when I see red, I'm happy."
"How's that?"
"I sell sunburn remedy!"

 

A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. 

As pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants and tossed them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes. 

A police officer who was observing the man asked him for some identification. The man gave the officer a document that showed he was an ordained minister of the gospel. 

When the officer began to escort him to a mental institution, the minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust treatment. 

“Look, we both know it’s the best place for you now,” the officer replied. “Anyone claiming to be a preacher who doesn’t save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons!”

 

Resolving to surprise her husband, the executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting on his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair!"



Why was a man waiting near a signal with bread and butter in his hand?

Because he heard there was going to be a traffic jam!




A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" 

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave forty cents to a homeless person on the street." 

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." 

The Lawyer said, "Wait, Wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person 20 cents." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 60 cents and tell him to go to Hell!"
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