Saturday Jokes 14

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A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Colleen has been very difficult - I know I ought to be firmer, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. Yes, I know you warned me. I remember you told me that she was evil and would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. I should have listened to you. You want to speak with her? All right."
He looks up from the phone and calls to his wife in the next room, "Colleen, your mother wants to talk to you!"
A couple was indulging in love making and the man noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner's toes would rise.
Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still. Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?"
"Silly," she replied, "I take my pantyhose off in the shower!"
There's a boat sinking out at sea with men, women and children on it, along with a minister, a rabbi, and a priest.
The minister said, "Oh my God, will somebody think of the children."
The rabbi said, "screw the children."
The priest said, "Do we have time?"


People think you're an idiot. 
I don't know where they get that idea. 
But when they hear my accent for the first time, I can tell they're looking at me and they're just waiting for me to say something like, 
What are shoes for?

Life is a little easier for attractive people. 
Think about it: if a stranger smile at you and they're attractive, you think, Oh, they're nice, but if a stranger is ugly, you're liked, you think what does he want? 
Get away from me, weirdo.

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection, he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So, he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

Frankly, I could not believe, I was not allowed to vote. Three and a half years I've lived here! I work hard - relatively speaking for someone who does this for a living. I pay my taxes. I try to fit in. I've learnt your rudimentary language. I don't know what more you could reasonably expect me to do. And that's when it hit me. I know why I'm so angry. I know what this is - taxation without representation. 
Now I get it. Now I see why you got so pissed off about it all those years ago. It is annoying. You were right. It is very annoying and consider that as close to an apology as you are ever going to get from me!

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job. "Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down; "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."
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