Thursday Jokes 236

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An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE!!!
 
A nagging wife to her husband: “You don't care. Something is preying on my mind.”
Husband: “Don't you panic, it will find nothing!”
 
What wears a cap but doesn’t have a head?
A water bottle!
 
Hi. This is John.
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money!
 
What’s black and white and read all over?
A newspaper!
 
What do runners eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast!
 
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.
She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson!"
 
A Mafia don calls his home.
The butler picks up the phone and says: Hello
Mafia don: Give the phone to my wife.
Butler: Just a moment.
The Butler comes back and says: She is in the bathroom.
Mafia Don: I said I want to speak to her NOW!
Butler: I am sorry but she cannot come to the phone right now.
Mafia Don: If you do not get her on the phone in a minute, I am going to blow your head into smithereens.
Butler (now scared): You do not understand, there is a man with her in the bathroom.
Mafia Don: What did you say??
Butler: Yes, it's true.
Mafia Don: Listen carefully, I want you to take the gun from my closet and then shoot them both.
Butler (scared out of his wits) : I can't do that; I can never kill anyone.
Mafia Don: Do it right now!
Butler: No, I can't!
Mafia Don: If you don't do it right now, I will kill you and your family. Now get on it with - I want to hear the shots, and don't forget to get rid of the gun.
Butler: Uh, all right.
The Mafia Don then hears two loud shots over the phone.
Butler (badly shaken) : I did it!
Mafia Don: Good work. What did you do with the gun?
Butler: I threw the gun in the pool.
Mafia Don: What pool are you talking about? We don't have a pool! Is this 019-200-1000???
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