Roll On My Insecurities In Blogging

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This is a cry for help. 

Yes, fellas, you have read that right. I know I have been updating the blog so religiously this August but seriously, I never thought it's now making me feel like this. Like I am being a horrible blogger instead. This feels so horrible.
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Somewhere in the end of July, I learned that we can check SEO score. I have been reading some articles about SEO and I know the keyword part of my SEO (all that Malaysian this Malaysian that for example) had been improved but the main problem is that I can't get people to stay. I stop targeting bloggers as my sole traffic contributor and instead, also targets publics in general. Hence all the posts that contain a more maybe-publics-can-benefits-this. Plus, that SEO score thing made me realized that even though I put "pharmacy" in my meta description - I didn't write enough pharmacy material. 

Hence this leads to my first reason - I wrote so many commercial-ish posts.
 okbai funny story - I want to make a business account for my poetry account at Instagram and for that, I have to make a Facebook page, hence this. I don't even care about it anymore. Look at Eyqa liking it! I love you Eyqa you're the best!!!!I have been writing commercial posts for a while too.

I know I'm not wrong for writing those. To be fair and honest, all those things that I wrote have been personally experienced or something that I have a burning passion for. But the rawness and pure bliss after writing a personal post is just something I have always have. Heck, the main thing I have always done. It then leads me feeling so awkward to do it back - like this post for example.

The two contrast made me feel like I'm being fake - like a person with a dual personality.

I tend to be like a moth drawn to the flame (if I got you singing then lemme know lol) each time I saw you guys writing a personal post. Especially the Chapters series by Flavnesz (her blog is such an escape)  and the life rants by Lya Amie. Even all the books passionate sharing by my favourite bibliophile - Fatina and Eyqa (I know I don't read much but I still love book's blog, kill me) too. By the way that is why I changed to this new theme (even though the old one received many compliments and just stands out). This theme made me feel my blog has turned back into my personal escape

Even so, I still love my commercial-ish stuff. I get excited with things guys! But I rarely show it in real life. Blogging it out makes it up for me. That's why my writings were all so high spirited (or at least I think it is). Yet when I open my blog and sees the titles at a glance, I might have a slight hatred towards it. Funny thing is that when I actually read it back, I saw my excitement of the things that just make me forget that slight hatred. OH-MY-GOD Afifah you're one confusing thing


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The worst thing is - even with all the commercial thingy - I still don't have a specific niche. It was all so random. I love blogging as it serves as an escape for me, somewhere to vent out and rediscover myself yet here I am writing about Aiken, shoes and most recently, theme park. You know why I rarely do a review or informative writings? Because you can Google it yourself. Oh yea, that leads me to my next issue

I was so conflicted on the commercial posts to write too and now I feel more disheartened to write it. I mean, sometimes I wrote it half way and will either thought (a) this is like some promoter script or (b) I don't feel like writing it anymore but it gives me traffic. Like Aiken, there weren't many posts reviewing them and personally, it was such a good product and cheap that I have to share my experience about it. Others might not be really the same case and then I'll be into this inner conflict battle - do I have to write this? what to write? what not to write? I'm writing in English for god sake how Malaysian gonna read it up?
This one is just a joke. A big fat joke on me. I know for sure these posts will surely help in my traffic but in English? Hardly gonna make a change. It was like I want it but I don't really want it but I still want it but I don't want to really change to have it like wtf Afifah makes up your mind. What I should really do? It is all so conflicting.
All and all, it all leads to this me, questioning myself, all the freaking time - what kind of blogger am I

p/s - yes I need comments, inputs, help me, SOS

yeah baby me too T_________T
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