Roll On Bad Habits

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We'll continue the rediscovering thingy after this one, I have to get this one out. Seeing how many personal thoughts I have shared here, I might need to go anon or something but anyway, I'm having epiphany moment while watching movies.  
It's such a cliche because I was watching movies as a form of distraction from "responsibilities" and now I'm having an epiphany

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"The Psychologist : Then, as a psychologist, I think you're confusing suicide with self-destruction, and they're very different. Almost none of us commit suicide, whereas almost all of us self-destruct. Somehow. In some part of our lives. We drink, or take drugs, or destabilize the happy job... or happy marriage." - Annihilation, 2018.
It hits me hard because I do feel like I'm doing self-destruction. It is just so confusing with "living a good life" versus "living the machine life". I was baffled. I thought I was tired with all the works I have to do and that has justified a good job but then, my logbook (simply a log of all the activities I have to perform to a certain standards/numbers) is nowhere near completion. I talked to a "pegawai" that has just finished her training like the one I'm doing now and we started to discuss "these requirements" of mine that seems nowhere near completion. That she had it easy since she went to a big hospital. I think she was purposely having this conversation seeing how utterly lost I am. It wasn't about big hospitals or new rules but it was me, I am the one who needs to take action

I have to thank her because that had left me thinking that maybe I was the one "self-destructing" my chances of being a fully registered pharmacy instead of me simply blaming the universe.
But why you may ask

Because I didn't have that much of self-disicpline to when facing hard things

I was lazy

I was procrastinating because things were hard but guess what, this is supposed to be hard because this is a hard job and this is my training for a better life in the future because I have survived this hustle. 
It is just that requirement. I just have to choose if this is the battle that I want to fight or not

I want to fight. 
So for that, I need to let go my bad habits. 
Firstly, I need to goddamn wakes up early. 
This was funny because, for the longest time, I thought I wasn't having a good night sleep so that is why it is so hard for me to wake up. Although it is true for a while earlier when I was still having anxiety that keeps me waking up during the night but alhamdulillah it isn't the issue now. I was just so bad at waking up early. At some points, I think I was so sleepy because my body knows my minds so well that we hated going to work because it was "job" and "responsibilities" and "expectations"


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Secondly, I need to stop excusing myself to take so much effort for food.
It might be me depressing or just tired but I just don't have much appetite for food. I get hungry alright but I just don't feel like eating anything. I still have to eat because feeling hungry is such a bothersome feeling. So I went to places, that usually takes time to even get there because I kinda feel like eating those food but usually, I don't really have that much of appetite for it. To make it worse, I eat so little. I rarely even finished my plate or get obnoxiously full when I do (I hate feeling obnoxiouly full). It takes so much time and wasted my energy when I should be doing something more important. Seeing how eating at different places do little to nothing to improve my appetite, I just have to stick to the basic nasi goreng or something and shove it into my mouth untill I don't feel hungry


Thirdly, stop procrastinating.
I truly don't know how to settle this. I usually feel so tired so I just can't focus to do my job. Either doing that slides of study more. So yeah, I need to stop procrastinating somehow


Next, always forgets new things I learned. 
One funny thing during my working life is the bits and pieces that we learned randomly. When we were studying, we learned things systematically. One body system to one pharmacological class (which I have forgotten much of it of course). But now every once in a while I simply learned one isolated thing from the others like the maximum dose of rectal paracetamol (typical medicine) and the minimum dose of allopurinol (special kind of medicine for gout). Even funnier, that isolated things still matter so even though I'm not quite sure what other gout medicines is, that knowledge of allopurinol still just makes sense. But I tend to forget it which makes it just so sad, so I just have to start writing these random pieces of knowledge and re-read it once a while. At least, I still have these bits and pieces rather than nothing at all

More, being too timid and not sure of myself.
I realized that I hated not knowing things because it makes me feel incompetent. I tried to avoid from being asked questions and feel utterly useless when I "got caught" not knowing. It was stupid, I should embrace my weaknesses because there is just nothing I can do about that but rather accepting it and tries to learn when I don't know and just learn every time I got the chance too. I need to be more vocal too. More vocal on saying"I don't know" even when peoples giving me side-eyes and start to ask the right question instead of gibbering. 

Stop going with the flow
Like I said before, I need to take action. My logbooks and my procrastination and yada yada, I need to start acting on it.T


I hope that was all to it. I'm still feeling confused but a little less than usual so that's good. By the way, I'm feeling so full right now with apple pie, chocolate sundae, pepsi and cappucino. I might have no appetite but man I can snack unconsciously while writing

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