Public Holiday Jokes

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On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.  

As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.  

"What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?" asked the police officer. 

"I'm on my way to a lecture," answered Daniel. 

"And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?" enquired the constable sarcastically. 

"My wife," slurred Daniel grimly. 


Q: What is a New Year’s resolution?
A: Something that goes in one year and out the other.


Q: Why do you need a jeweller on New Year’s Eve?
A: To ring in the New Year!


Q: What do farmers give their wives at midnight on New Year’s Eve?
A: Hogs and kisses!


Q: Where can you go to practice mathematics on New Year’s Eve?
A: Times Square!


Q: Why should you put your new calendar in the freezer?
A: To start off the New Year in a cool way!


Q: What do you tell someone who you meet on New Year’s Day?
A: I haven’t seen you since last year!


Q: What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year’s Eve?
A: He got 12 months!


Q: What’s the one group that hates New Year’s Day?
A: The New Year’s clean-up crew!


A Senator in the Philippines was once asked about his attitude toward whisky. 

"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it."  

"But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts much needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children,​ then I'm for it."  

"This is my position, and I will not compromise!"
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