I Shan You Re The Light That Never Goes Out

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When I left high school, I lost a schoolmate named Jamie. Just months after we graduated, he fell off his apartment balcony.
While I was not close to him personally, I used to watch with some amusement when his two younger siblings played with my kid sister after school.
At just 17 years old, his death shocked many in our year, with the news quickly spreading through the grapevine.
Two months ago, I ran into his youngest sister at a family function.
Aged nine at the time of Jamie’s death, she was not old enough to remember much of what had happened. Now nearly 17 herself, she is still facing the grief and confusion surrounding her brother’s death.
I empathised but as someone who had never lost anyone this close, I did not thoroughly understand the pain her family felt until this past week.
I recently lost my close friend and bandmate I-Shan Esther Christie Lee Vengadesan, who drew her last breath in the early hours of June 16.
Born just after Valentine’s Day on Feb 15, 2005, I-Shan - also known as Shanny or Shan to family and close friends - was the youngest in her family and the apple of their eye.
I was playing the ukulele in her living room when we first met. Playing a song called ‘Toothpaste Kisses’, this girl - with a wavy shag, a pair of headphones around her neck and baggy jeans - flew out of the hallway, shouting: “Oh my god, is that ‘Toothpaste Kisses’? I know how to play the solo!”.
She dragged out her guitar and played half of it before hitting a bum note and insisted that she could get it right the next time I saw her.
I was so charmed by her determination and our mutual interest in music that we ended up forming a band together.
I-Shan, like many in her generation, looked up to singer-songwriters Taylor Swift and Phoebe Bridgers (who we saw together in concert on her 18th birthday this year).
Unlike her peers, she was also very much taken by music from an earlier era.
Those who had come before us such as Pink Floyd, Radiohead, The Smiths, Jeff Buckley (who was the famed son of Tim), Nick Drake and Elliott Smith - to name a few.
My favourite Beatle is George, hers was Paul. She complained on and off for months about how her father had sold off the family’s copy of Paul McCartney’s 1971 album ‘Ram’.
We sang John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’ in a pub, which she declared to be an “atheist anthem”.
When I woke up to the news of that unforgiving morning, I felt something in me crumble, as she brought the rest of the world down with her death.
Her passing has hit me harder than any relative of mine and any classic rock icon we equally looked up to.
Perhaps it was her young age, and the sudden and unexpected nature of her death… but most crucially, I believe it was because I knew she was a star, in her own right.
Music and so much more
We eventually gathered two more members - Isra Gomez (who happened to be I-Shan’s childhood friend) and Azim Zain to form the nucleus of a band we called Faye Faire.
Despite some tentative early steps, I-Shan started delivering a gorgeous, heartfelt song every few weeks.
We started doing live shows and making demos and I was struck by her moving songs, pure, powerful voice and budding confidence.
We went to our first general election rally together (Pakatan Harapan in Segambut) and held similar views on politics, music, humour and religion. Our voices completed each other better than I could have imagined.
The more I knew her, the more I realised that music was just one of her talents and that she was on the cusp of developing more.
We resolved to record an album in the coming months before she went on to further her studies. I saw that she was sensitive, naturally warm and giving.
She was often quiet but much loved by anyone who was lucky enough to get to know the real I-Shan.
She was well-read and well-travelled, having gone to Japan, Switzerland, England, Kerala and Bali among others. Aside from Swift and Bridgers, she had also attended concerts by Ed Sheeran, Selena Gomez, Troye Sivan and Billie Eilish.
Just in the last few months, she got her driving licence and her first tattoo. Here was a talented beautiful soul, who led an interesting life and yet was only getting started, on the verge of great things.
And so when tragedy struck in the early morning hours of Friday, the piercing sorrow was almost unbearable.
As her father told me: “I am almost mad with grief. The light has gone out of our lives.”
We cope with such immense loss in different ways. For me, the answer is to throw myself into honouring her memory and capturing her talent as best I can.
In the words of McCartney:
“I give her all my love
That's all I do
And if you saw my love
You'd love her too
I love her.”
- Mkini
ALENA NADIA is a member of the Malaysiakini team.

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