Beyond Family First Unpacking Unseen Wounds

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Ini sambungan post sebelum ni: Luka Tak Nampak: Kenapa "Blood is Thicker Than Water" or "After All Itu Ibu/Ayah Kita" Doesn't Always Apply. 

Kadang-kadang eh it's funny how sometimes life throws you a curveball that completely shatters your perceptions. Kita teringat last time masa I was doing my pharmacy rotation at the clinic. We were at the front counter (OPD), and my colleague pointed out a homeless man sleeping on the waiting chairs. The security guard had asked him, and he’d mumbled something about his son and daughter not wanting to take care of him.
"Tengok tu Suzlin" my colleague whispered. "Dari hari tu kita nampak pakcik tu tidur sini. Macam manalah anak-anak dia boleh abandon dia? Kesian sangat,"
And I, bless my naive heart, nodded along, probably with a judgy frown on my face. "Yelah, ada perasan juga. Kita yang tengok pun kesian, apatah lagi anak sendiri. Tak terfikir ke?" I said, all indignant.
Looking back, I realize I was living in a bit of a bubble back then. My parents, had shielded me from a lot of the harsher realities of life. I just couldn't imagine a child not wanting to care for their parent, no matter what. It felt so~ unnatural.
But then my other colleague, who was much wiser than me in the ways of the world, gently said something that stuck with me. "Tahu tak, Suzlin," she began, 
"Kita memang senang je jump into conclusion. Tapi kadang-kadang ibu bapa tak sedar bout the pain they've inflicted masa besarkan anak-anak. And some kids? Well, they carry those hurts and resentments into adulthood. Ada yang boleh move on, ada yang tak. Kita tak boleh pukul rata. Sama macam orang sekarang cakap, dulu bapak aku aku pukul aku pakai rotan, tali pinggang etc. Kita okay je jadi "orang". Tak boleh macam tu, tak boleh pukul rata. Semua orang tak sama,"
She then shared a story about her friend, whose father was very frail and needed constant care. Everyone, including her own husband, was pressuring her friend to take care of him. They all thought she was being heartless. But what they didn't know, what they couldn't possibly imagine, was that when she was a little girl, her father had sexually abused her. Cuba bayangkan "beban" yang dia tanggung dari dulu? With a daughter of her own now, she simply didn't feel safe being around him.
That story hit me like a ton of bricks. It made me realize that things are rarely as simple as they seem on the surface. We see an elderly parent seemingly neglected, and our immediate instinct is often to blame the children. But the truth is, we don't know the full story. We don't know the silent battles, the deep wounds, the past traumas that might be at play.
This is why, as parents ourselves, we have such a huge responsibility. We need to actively work to break the cycle of pain and unhealthy patterns. Our children are not our retirement plan, nor are they investments for our golden years. They aren't here to be our caregivers, financially or emotionally, just because we brought them into the world. They have their own lives to live, their own families to build, and their own journeys to embark on.
Ultimately, if a relationship—even with a parent—makes you feel unsafe, emotionally drained, or just utterly at peace, you absolutely have the right to create distance. Protecting your own well-being isn't selfish; it's a fundamental act of self-love and self-preservation.
P/S: Cap jari pun tak sama, inikan pula sikap dan pandangan manusia. Jadi, raikan perbezaan. Kalau tak boleh handle, kita "angkat kaki".

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