Thursday Jokes 279

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Mataking Island is a Malaysian island located in the Celebes Sea on the state of Sabah. Mataking Island is home to the first ‘Underwater Post Office’ in Malaysia.
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV…
The 10 pm news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, ‘Do you think he’ll jump?’ Jack says, ‘You know what, I bet he will.’
The blonde replied, ‘Well, I bet he won’t.’ Jack placed 50 ringgit on the bar and said, ‘You’re on!’
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her 50 ringgit to Jack, saying, ‘Fair’s fair… here’s your money.’
Jack replied, ‘I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump.
‘The blonde replies, ‘I did too; but I didn’t think he’d do it again.’
Jack took the money…
 

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”
“Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
His wife got up, unplugged the television and threw out all the beer!
 

One day, Mom was cleaning junior’s room, and in the closet, she found a Playboy magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, ” Well, what should we do about this?”
Dad looked at her and said, “Well, I don’t think you should spank him!”
 

Two guys were walking past an outdoor basketball court.
“You want to play Horse?” asked one guy.
His friend replied, “Sure, I guess… but only if I get to be the front legs!”
 

“Don’t swallow these pills,” the doctor said, handing the obese patient a bottle of pills.
“Instead, spill them on the floor five times a day and pick them up one by one!”
 

A priest came to a dying author to read him his last rites.
“Do you reject the devil?” asked the priest.
“This is no time to be making enemies!” replied the author.
 

Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition?
Because it was cultured!
 

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and an inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement.
“Okay Simpson,” says the investigator, “you were near the scene, what happened?”
“Well, it’s like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up.”
“He was smoking in the mixing room?” the investigator said in stunned horror, “How long had he been with the company?”
“About 20 years, sir”.
“20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I would have thought it would have been the last thing he would have done”.
“It was, sir!”
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