Sunday Jokes 44

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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired. 
"They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. 
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase...in time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. 
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"


How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
 
One fine morning, Dean came early into the office and caught his subordinate, Martin kissing his secretary.
Angered, Dean screamed: “Martin, do I pay you a good salary for doing this?”
Martin: “No sir, I am doing this for free.”


A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago:
"The material we put into our stomach is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. 

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, " Your wedding cake."




I had the rudest, slowest, and nastiest cashier today... 
That’s the last time I will ever use the self-checkout lane!



A group of hikers was being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles. 
"We're lost!" One of the men complained. "I thought you said you were the best guide in the United States."
"I am," the guide answered, "but I think we may have wandered into Canada."


During a performance for the high school talent show at the local theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.
He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theatre shouted:
"Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"



Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" 
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandpa Moses of  the Jail."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."
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